back to square one

I finally ended things with my ex boyfriend. We don't speak much now, I stopped telling him updates about my life and family. I deleted his numbers, closed my skype account and deleted him from my Sametime(office chat). He did the same. He is coming back in 3 weeks and we had plans of meeting each other for a weekend to hangout. Initially I said YES but closer to the date I realise few things:

1. He just wants to spend time with me. Spending time is different from getting back together. Hanging out means hanging out.

2. I need to protect my feelings. Yes, I am having sleepless nights again. I am thinking about him again. I am feeling depressed again. This is all part of the process of getting over him. It was very very tough BUT I need to stop seeing him cause I know, he will open the flood gates of my feelings again and I will end up hurting again and again. I need to break the cycle.

3. I am not ready to see him. I thought I was strong, I was over him. I haven't cried in 2 months and yet I found myself crying again. Breaking down in front of my PC at 2PM in the afternoon at work isn't a good sign.

4. I have to be away from him. The more I see him, the harder getting over him will be. It is hard as it is, I don't want to make it harder on myself. I don't need to prolong the pain, extend the agony.

Still, there are things that I should be thankful for: I have friends who listens to me constantly and never got tired of my drama. For 3 months, they listen, never complained a bit. I have friends from the office giving me a quid fine whenever I speak about him and another, shrink on the go. He told me to text him instead of texting my ex. I have boy friends who convince me that I deserve someone better and girl friends who said the same. I have a good company. Friends fill my weekends. Although Luke left for Thailand, he chats with me everyday and sends me text every night. He helped me take my mind off my ex. I have friends back home whom I text or email and are ready to help and listen, anytime. I have a very supportive family and friends.

I've decided not to meet up with him.

I am still getting over him and I am back to square one...